Protecting Sara. J.

A moment with a phone. If you read thia, I'm really sorry!

Your smile always pushed too hard.

You don't remember this, but you always laughed...always smiled...cried each goog buy and hello, and filled the gaps between the laps full of perhaps, fantastically future scapes, unknown... 

This is just a moment alone with a phone, so, Like I told the room of gelded yuppies. So what-I don't give a flying fuck?

I got bigger problems then your pretend ones...

So, with all due respect... Did you really make a case for doubt, if not, you'll never figure out. 

Charge me for my feelings-they are real and date back to fields of borrowed grass.

I am honest. I'm really sorry. A moment with my phone perhaps.

Sometimes the truth is in a sensations,

it's an olfactory reaction,

It's bitter satisfaction.

Your choices/wants/actions/equivalent--it happens

You invoke a sense of self-critique that long ago fed my teeth.

Yeah? so? A momement with my phone!

Here's your empirical fear below!

The most beautiful voice I know and how I long for its echos.

Phantoms, spectators, old idioms I know.

I made a promise to a ghost.

I’ve held up my end, so who knows?

I set up qualifiers, you’ll never know.

The most beautiful eyes for sure,

but all I want to see is what they've seen.

Where is she now?

Hiding from the scene?

Everyday, I wonder how was hers?

The story goes: my kids got sick, then got well, they're so funny as I'm sure you know...

Yours?

What if; may I say? I don’t want to change a single part of yesterday.

But question the effect.

I met someone who seems nice, how was work, how's your life?

My kids were cute, this you'll adore.

what's that?

Not quite the grocery store?

Well that's nice that's life but you're no more. What the hell did I do to you? Invoke suspicious silly and ridiculous? Stepped on you to make it true? No, I only existed!

Your smile always pushed too hard. A gateway, a portal a linear bead, a singularity from now to childhood, you smile stuck for both of us.

Ironic isn't it?

Who's ducking assassins now?

yielding to the inexorable burden?

So worried, so pleasing so inadequate while so perfect. Due diligence and doubted. Bet your blamed for this. I'm sorry. But I exist!

Worried of perception?

Flipping the script a little bit?

It'd be funny, if I didn't care so much, if I didn't need to speak. If only to myself. 

Ever been used at you expense; For hope?

Watch as the unfulfilled petitioner lashes back at me, with exacting equality, because I can feign neutrality.

I don't know who has it worse.

You can inspire chaos in a snow-globe, heated flacks demonstrate: you can't reach my insides; but sure can shack.

Dawn was perfect this morning, golden-chilled, ice encrusted ground.

The air was still, you smelled of nothing.

I hate this town and every token hill.

A history like water and rain and no umbrella. I try not touch it. Fuck it. 

We're still friends you know?

Here am I again, I think I won considering everything.

Christ, a smile I'm not even sure was ever real...

I am. I exist!

I hope only, that in some small regard, you are benefited. Ego fed I guess, filled with confidence, I don't have anything else to give: respect admiration, a small amount of obsession then...

I didn’t act to bring me here, you didn’t act to cause the fear. Nothing needs to come. I don't know how to explain the cyphers, the pipers, the scape in how see the world. It's extra beautiful I swear, your a legend deep in there.

I don’t know?? I need to write this out and understand it more. One more moment with my phone.

I am trully selfish.

I know what I think but have never known the words. I think in shapes and smells, colors and voices, fear wants and poor past choices.

It’s totally chemical. You gave me oxytocin!!!

I must have imagined the Days inn lobby. 42, the preludes to heaven, the car the car the car and wow, strawberries, velvet, the taste of blood. Your smile always pushed too hard

May your pain be lies, said to taunt and tease me, it grieves me relentlessly like bright sparks against wet kindling. 

I like the shallow emptiness, wanting and getting, knowing and doing, having and owning-I know the two unique conditions, and good or bad, I am well within them.

You remind me, inspire me.

I’ll banner you up and push myself, but god woman, your proximity distracts!!!

If you ever came across this:

I am sorry and heinous, loathsome and sicken myself. For that I’m guiltless too, much is said by me of you.

What the hell did I do. Deep disparities, I existed? 

I guess I am still a self serving bastard after all... I just had a moment alone with my phone. At least I didn't...